Homework Sucks!!!

This past weekend my daughter melted down on the way home from our friend’s house. My wife said “You have to do your reading today”. My daughter cried out in anguish “Why do I have to think about stupid homework on the weekend?!!” This is a sentiment shared by kids and parents all over the world and is actually a really good question.

Most of the tweens and teens who come to see me for therapy are coming because of homework issues. Crazy, right? You’d think that people seek therapy for more serious concerns like drugs, delinquent behavior, or thoughts of suicide. But make no mistake, homework is a serious problem; in fact, homework sucks! And it sucks not only for kids, but for their parents, too! I see the serious emotional ramifications both in my family and the families I see professionally, ramifications that clearly stem from the stress of managing daily homework.

While I personally feel that kids should only have to take home very little school work, the reality is that kids have too much homework and too little time to do it. Despite recent criticism of homework policies in school districts across the nation, this is not going to change overnight. The problem my daughter and many of my clients are dealing with is how to manage their daily homework load. In other words, how can we help our kids to just do it in a timely manner.

The Problem with Homework

As I see it, there are two main issues with homework. First, homework is not meaningful. There seems to be very little evidence stating that homework  is beneficial academically. Yet schools keep assigning homework that does not go beyond what the kids who come to see me say is “busy work.” Mindless repetition of work they’ve done at school with little to hold the kids’ interest and no real learning or practice effect.

To me, this is truly problematical. Isn’t the point of education to arouse our kids’ interest in learning? There are very few activities we could or would want to do for hours at a time. I don’t know any children who say that they like learning so much that they don’t mind spending seven hours a day in school plus up to four hours at home doing it. Imagine trying to get your child to spend that much time a day on the things they like! Video games aside, I doubt kids would want to spend that much time on even their favorite pastime.  Would you? No matter what the activity, enough is enough.

Second, schools keep dishing out homework, but don’t teach our kids how to do it. Skills such as time management or setting priorities are not on the curriculum. In fact, these skills are often added to special education plans or 504 plans as if the children qualifying for these services are the only ones lacking these skills! Kids who come to see me with homework problems, regardless of the age group, all struggle with the same issue–just getting down to business, i.e., sitting down and doing the work.

This skill is learning how to systematically approach the work in a way that it becomes manageable and thus anxiety-free. Although my daughter is much younger than my teenage clients, she is a great example of how homework problems escalate, because the struggle with homework begins long before teenagers come to see me–long before middle and high school.

Homework Struggles Are Emotional, Not Academic

First, consider this: my daughter is in first grade and she has homework. Yes, I said it, she’s in first grade and she has homework! Does anyone else have a problem with this? I understand that reading is important and that practice makes perfect and that practice needs to continue at home. But it doesn’t stop there. She also has daily worksheets for math and reading to complete, a math video game to play (which is not fun for her), and a weekly writing assignment to hand in. Believe me, it adds up. An hour of homework after school is not the exception, it’s the rule. The problem for my daughter, and for most kids who struggle with homework, is not that she has to do an hour of work, but that she has to do it after she’s been in school all day, where she had to focus, follow rules, sit still, and learn for many hours already. At home she simply doesn’t want to keep doing the same thing. She’s tired! She wants a rest. Just like you and me want (and usually get!) a rest after a hard day at work.

So, the problem with homework for my daughter is not academic, it’s emotional. In order to prevent problems at home for me, let me start by saying that my wife is the one handling most of the homework situation, and that of late my daughter has been much better about doing it. Here are some of the scenarios we’ve struggled with and some of the solutions we’ve used to help my daughter manage her homework load.

Homework Help

Manage Their Expectations: Telling kids in advance helps them prepare mentally and emotionally for the upcoming difficult task. This trick works for much more than homework management. Any difficult task is much easier to handle if you’ve had a chance to get ready. So, after gymnastics or softball, we warn her with a  statement like: “OK, we’re going home now, then we’ll wash up for dinner, then eat, then homework, then shower, then books, then bed.” This schedule is reinforced after each activity on the list. As my daughter gets older, she is ever more apt to add her two cents to the schedule. Allowing her a say in planning the day, including the time spent on disliked activities such as homework, increases the chances that she’ll actually follow the plan.

They Just Need to Get It Out: For many kids, the pressure of the day keeps building up and tantrums are the quickest way to discharge this pressure. Many parents I’ve worked with on homework issues say that after tantrums their kids usually calm down and are finally able to do the work. So keeping calm in these moments while our kids explode allows them to get it out and over with so they can get back to the work. This keep it calm strategy also helps our kids to manage their emotions for future homework sessions as they will learn that their strong feelings are not overwhelming and they do pass.

Expect to Deal with the Loss: At the mention of homework, my daughter will immediately yell out in anguish, “Noooooooo!” Just the thought of homework puts her into a state of despair. Why? Not only is she coping with the anxiety about having to do homework, she also has to deal with the loss of the more cherished activity she was engaged in when homework was mentioned. TV or X-box or really any other activity is more fun than homework. As parents, expecting the tantrum allows us to more successfully manage our own reactions, limiting the potentially hurtful things we say in anger. This will help to keep our children’s self esteem and confidence around homework intact, making them more likely to handle it better next time.

Use Yourself as a Gauge and Take a Break: Last night, I helped my daughter with her homework. After she answered the same question incorrectly many times, it became apparent that her brain was not working any more and that we’d be stuck doing homework for a lot longer than I had hoped. I felt myself getting frustrated and realized that I needed a break. I realized that if I needed a break, then she likely needed one, too. This break was for the night, more often its a few minutes and we both avoided the harsh words and sharp tones that quite probably would have followed had we powered through. If we aren’t pushing our kids to complete a task when they are not capable of doing it, we avoid issuing a blow to their self-esteem and probably get done faster.

We are the Scaffold, not the Wall: Again this one extends well beyond homework. Last night, my daughter sat at the table and did her homework while I cleaned up after dinner. We both worked on our own stuff and every so often she asked me for help. This is the situational model my wife and I strive for every day: she takes ownership of her task without us standing over her, urging her on from one task to the next.

This is a behavior we’ve had to work up to. In the beginning of the school year, she had to struggle with far more anxiety around homework, and needed our full attention, support, and direction to get through each task. Many parents I’ve worked with feel that unless they are constantly pressuring their kids, making sure the work gets done, it simply won’t. The kids in these situations usually need a certain amount of check-in, but they are mostly resentful that their parents don’t trust they can and will do the work. The result is a situation where kids don’t do the work because they are angry with their parents for not trusting…a “you don’t think I’m going to do it so now I’m not” kind of thing.

The process of homework independence is a slow one that needs hand holding and soothing to start, but the goal is getting our kids to take ownership of their work so when they go off to college they won’t come home early.

What’s So Wrong with Incentives: Would you work for free? Of course not. So why do we think that our kids will happily complete a hard task for free? Society and our educational system is teaching our kids that hard work will receive the reward of a “good” college, which leads to a “good” job, which leads to getting paid a “good” salary. The problem with that reward is that its years and years away. Why not start this now?School is a child’s equivalent to a parent’s gainful employment. Why not offer an incentive for (home)work well done and on time? Early on in this school year, a few chocolate chips went a long way with my daughter and were particularly helpful on those especially tough nights. Rather than a fight, these little rewards allowed her to take ownership of her (home)work, fostered a sense of accomplishment, and made her feel good about getting the job done.

Homework will not go away any time soon. Homework will not suddenly become easier or more fun. Homework is a fact of life all the way through high school. I’m hopeful that as time goes on these techniques mentioned above will continue to help minimize the friction homework brings with it and help my daughter learn to manage the stress and anxiety of the many unpleasant tasks ahead. Now all I have to do is figure out how to help myself with that!

Your Kid is Full of BS

 

A wise man once told me that after an early divorce and 40 years in a second marriage, he had figured out the secret to successful relationships. This small pearl of wisdom has stuck with me for years, assisting me in my work with kids around issues of self-esteem and peer relationships.

This wise man said that every person carries around a certain amount of “bullshit” that is simply a part of who that person is. Having bullshit is a fixed condition, so to speak. He went on to explain that many relationships fail because people expect that they will be able to change or get rid of their significant other’s bullshit. His advice was that upon meeting someone, we should take note of his or her bullshit and decide whether this particular brand of bullshit is something we can live with or not. If we can live with it, proceed, if not, get out. So I’ve come to understand that this philosophy, or as I like to call it “BSosophy,” can be used to help our kids manage and maintain friendships, provided we change some of the terminology.

A few weeks ago I posted about the metaphor of Shopper vs. Merchandise that helps kids increase self-esteem. BSosophy follows the same philosophical logic as the idea of the Shopper, as BSosophy challenges kids to be the observer not the observed. My daughter recently experienced a social situation that illustrates this idea perfectly.

My daughter came home from school upset, because she felt one of her good friends was ignoring her when they played in groups during recess. This had happened several times over the previous year and my daughter was feeling increasingly bad about herself because of it. She said that she felt that, when with other girls, her friend was choosing other girls, and as a  result she began to wonder what they had that she didn’t. I pointed out that when they were by themselves, this friend was great with my daughter and that  they clearly had lots in common and loved playing together. I suggested that we think about what might be going on that did not have anything to do with my daughter being undesirable to her friend. In other words, I suggested: “Let’s analyze your friend!!” (insert maniacal laugh)

Brainstorming is the first part of BSosophy, as we are turning the lens away from my daughter and her self criticism and onto her friend’s BS. We came up with two reasons that might be responsible for this friend’s behavior in groups. Either the friend has trouble being partial when in groups, or she might feel so secure in her relationship with my daughter that she doesn’t work as hard on that relationship when they’re in groups as she does with girls she’s not as comfortable with. Once the lens was turned away from my daughter, I asked about the second part of BSosophy: “Do you think you still want to be friends with her if this keeps happening?” She didn’t even hesitate in saying “yes.” Quickly a more productive strategy emerged: Perhaps it might be a good idea not to play with this friend in groups.

Choosing to not play with her friend in groups will likely not work for my daughter all the time, but changing the focus away from herself was productive on several levels. The narrative that her friend shows "limited attention in groups” helped my daughter to stop beating herself up. Taking this approach also allowed her to look for other playground options that better suit her needs. Lastly, it took some pressure off the relationship, allowing both girls to be more comfortable when they are together.

When we talk about issues of self-esteem, the damage that people inflict on themselves is usually far worse than anything anyone else can do. It’s so hard for parents to stop their kids from going down the road of self-blame because they never listen to our compliments or praise. Introducing BSosophy can help our kids to look outward for answers when things don’t go right interpersonally. It also may empower them to cut loose those “friends” who are causing more harm than good.

One last bit of important advice: We must make sure to explain to our kids that discarding those we feel have too much BS does not work with family members. I recently had to re-explain to my daughter that she is stuck with her brother, no matter how much bullshit he brings to the table.  

Is Your Kid the Shopper or the Merchandise?

Many kids struggle with low self esteem. As a parent, this is hard to deal with, especially when kids are having a hard time with their peer relationships. No matter whether they are being teased, left out of weekend plans, or ignored on someone’s Instagram post…it all hurts.  As parents we are often powerless against our children’s negative thinking because no matter how many times we tell them how beautiful, wonderful, funny, smart, and interesting they are, we get the classic line “You’re just saying that cause you’re my Dad (Mom).” There’s no defense against this because mostly they’re right: we are biased. But we are also powerless in fighting negative thinking because self-confidence comes from within.

A lot of my job as a psychologist revolves around helping kids to cultivate a positive sense of themselves. The world is seemingly divided into Shoppers and Merchandise. I often use this metaphor to help kids think about themselves in a different light, in a way that empowers them to build a tailor-made social network that is reliable over time. Let me explain:

The problem with being the Merchandise

Many kids (and adults) who struggle with low self esteem think of themselves as Merchandise. They feel that they need to change something about their packaging (the way they look, the topics they talk about, the way they talk, the way they dress) in order to attract and maintain relationships. They are constantly making adjustments to themselves to better fit the potential Shoppers (sought-after peers) out there.

The problem with being Merchandise is that they are always dependent on the attention of Shoppers to either pick them up or let them down. The fear of rejection is a powerful inhibitor here, as it’s very hard for Merchandise to hop off the shelf into someone’s cart, because a Shopper might look at them and say, “Ewwwww I don’t want you in my cart!”

Merchandise never truly feels safe in relationships, because Merchandise only shares things that might be of value to potential Shoppers. At the same time, Merchandise must hold back or hide the things Shoppers might not find interesting.

I worked with a college age boy who was very passionate about building models. He shared this information with no one, fearing that people would laugh at him for having such a “childish” hobby. He had a history of being unable to make and maintain friendships. We discussed what it would be like to begin talking about his hobby and actually finding a friend or group of friends with the same passion for models. The sense of security in this would be unlike any other peer relationship he’s had because he’d know his friends really see him for who he is…and like him. Herein lies the key to being a Shopper.

How to be a Shopper

The key to being a Shopper is really having a sense of who you are and what you like. Once children have this knowledge, they can set out to try and find these qualities in their peers. However, this is especially hard for kids who are naturally worried about what other people think of them because they fear being rejected. So the idea of actively expressing these passions to others is very scary. So how can we parents help our kids to be Shoppers?

The first step is helping kids figure out what they like. Often kids start with activities that they like to do with friends, but encouraging kids to think about what they like or want in relationships is probably more important.

So let’s ask our kids which qualities they would like in a friend. This can be a hard exercise for kids, but my father once said that if you don’t know what you like, then start with things you don’t like. We can help our kids process both the positive and negative qualities of their interactions with peers to form a unique picture of their ideal friend. Essentially, we’re creating a shopping list.  

Once the list is formed, I often suggest that kids take a few weeks to simply look around them at school and in social situations. They are supposed to get a layout of the store and the merchandise on display before actually shopping.

This middle step of being an observer allows for two things to happen. First, kids can ease into the idea of actually reaching out and picking friends, which can provoke a lot of anxiety as it involves the risk of rejection. Second, by observing first, kids can begin to feel like a Shopper and in doing so, start to move away from the idea of being the Merchandise. They’re now looking instead of being looked at.

Observing may in fact be the most important step in all of this. Observing helps kids to stop trying to keep up with the cool kids and to realize that they don’t have to work so hard. Observing also helps kids to look at their peers with a critical eye, allowing them to start seeing some of the positive and negative qualities of the people they’ve been chasing as the cool kids all this time.

The last step in becoming a Shopper is actually shopping. I’ve often seen that the observation process allows many kids to re-notice old friends who may not have made the cool cut: the friend from elementary school who fell to the wayside in middle school; the one we absolutely loved who was cast aside for the obnoxious cool friends. Additionally, new Shoppers seem to generally gravitate toward more approachable, kind, and sensitive kids making the task of reaching out much easier. I often encourage teens to listen to their peers in class for interesting responses. Several have then been able to approach their peers by simply saying “I liked what you said in class”.

A final word of caution to parents reading this…Helping our kids see themselves as Shoppers rather than Merchandise is a process that takes a lot of time, perhaps even years! I suggest many conversations about likes and dislikes in evaluating current friends and known associates to really develop that shopping list before moving on. As my wife has told me countless times, "You can’t be a good shopper without a good list!"